Girl Says Yes to Hanging Out Again but Says Ill Let You Know

Non Interested in Dating Someone? But Say And then.

Michael S. Sorensen

FYI, I'thousand non formally educated or licensed as a therapist, counselor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare professional, though much of what I teach is informed past these. Curious about my background? Read my bio.

Likewise, I utilise affiliate links when recommending books or products. These requite me a small commission if you employ them to make a purchase, at no additional toll to yous. Cheers for your back up.

I've made it a goal to get out on at least one date per week for the past couple of years, and in doing so, have met hundreds of fantastic people. Generally, these are showtime dates, and merely first dates. Every once in a while, though, I see a woman who I'd like to proceed dating. And every one time in a while, she ends upward feeling the same way and it turns into a not bad relationship. (Sweet.)

I besides get the occasional woman that I'm interested in, who doesn't prove the aforementioned interest in me. (Not and then sweet.) And yet, that'southward dating. I don't get as well broken up near information technology.

In those instances, however, there is i matter I wish were dissimilar: that people would be more directly when they're simply non interested.

Walking the line.

We as men walk a fine line in pursuing women—that of being the confident, manly man who knows what he wants and isn't agape to go for information technology, without becoming the desperate, needy homo who tin't have a hint.

What makes walking this line so hard, though, is the fact that some women play hard-to-get in hopes that the man will pursue her harder, while others play difficult-to-get in hopes that the man will "get the hint" and leave them solitary!

See whatever issues here?

Over the years, I've learned to not make assumptions. If I'1000 getting mixed signals, I'll simply ask her where she'southward at. I'll be honest with my hopes (eastward.1000. "Hey, I enjoy spending fourth dimension with yous, and would similar to keep getting to know you") and give them an out if they're non feeling the same fashion (eastward.1000. "and yet, if you're not interested, zero hard feelings. I'd just like to know where yous're at.")

When I've had that conversation, some women tell me that they're simply not interested (great—no more guessing), while others admit they are interested, but accept been playing hard-to-get considering "otherwise, yous men lose interest!"

What? Okay, sure. There is some psychological something around wanting what you can't have, merely dating is confusing plenty without having to play that game. Can't we merely nosotros spare it?

Let'southward be real.

Instead of playing games, or trying to "non hurt the other person'south feelings," I'm a proponent of kind, genuine honesty. If y'all'd like to proceed dating someone, say then! If not, say so. Don't "ghost" the person (i.e. terminate returning their calls or texts) and don't feed them endless excuses if they go along asking you out.

This goes for both men and women.

Now to be fair, telling someone that you're not interested is much easier said than done. I do non envy women, as they're often the ones being pursued, and therefore the ones having to figure out how to permit the guy downwardly easy. I've been at that place before—pursued past women I'm not interested in—and letting them down is tough. I'thou always tempted to only give excuses or draw it out until they "get the hint."

Only that's not honest. It's not genuine. And y'all know what? It'due south not even kind. Ignoring or fugitive someone when they're clearly interested in you only prolongs an uncomfortable situation for the both of yous. Whatis the kind affair to do? Permit them know you're non interested.

But how?

Recently, I had a woman text me subsequently a starting time date and tell me she'd dear to do something again onetime. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I was immediately tempted to say "Yeah, that would exist fun!"

Simply honestly, I wasn't interested. She was great in so many means and I truly enjoyed getting to know her that evening, but I had no intention of asking her out over again. We only didn't click.

After giving information technology some thought, here's how I responded:

Cheers, and I definitely will. And while I had a great time tonight (genuinely!), I'm not sure I actually come across things working out long term. I enjoyed getting to know you a little amend—cheers for agreeing to leave!

Simple enough, right?

She was cool most it. Here was her response:

I wasn't completely sure, but I had fun enough fourth dimension talking that I had thought I would give it another shot. I understand though! Thanks again!

We wrapped upwardly with a little more small talk and information technology concluded positively.

Honestly, I just keep that response saved on my phone at present and tweak it to each state of affairs and so it's truthful and respectful. (Tacky? Maybe. I consider it efficient. It took me a long fourth dimension to craft that response! Y'all tin use it, costless of charge.)

Every time I reply in this fashion, I get a positive response, and both of us are able to move on without the uncomfortable guessing, avoiding, or worrying. Every time a woman has responded to me in this style, the issue is the aforementioned. I admire her even more for having the maturity to be direct, and am grateful to be able to motility on without whatever question.

Concur? Disagree? How practise you let someone down nicely? Postal service well-nigh it in the comments below.

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33 thoughts on "Not Interested in Dating Someone? But Say So."

I wish women would accept your advice. Instead they somehow manage to recall lying and stringing men along is there piece of cake way out? Shit gets then sometime.
That's a smashing response! Totally copying information technology. My method is telling them "even though you lot're squeamish and good looking, I simply don't think we're a fit. (I used to say in that location was no chemistry but accept heard that can come off as offensive — as if they aren't sexually attractive. XD
1. Hi Jeanie,
  
  Right? And interesting insight on the "chemical science" piece—I hadn't thought of that, merely could see how it could be interpreted that way. Best of luck with the dating!
  
  Michael
2. Agree x infinity!!! I dear your response and copied information technology. I was recently abruptly let get later existence strung along. False words and promises. He said all the right things. Ugh! I'm non so much mad at him as I am at how he did it. I hate lies. Totally wasted my time.
  1. Ugh, I'm and then sad. Dating is rough!
    1. I have a 76 year one-time man interested in me. I am 72. He knows my boyfriend died one year ago. He keeps flirting with me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I am only not interested.
      1. Hullo Pam,
        
        Not an easy situation! My recommendation from the article still stands, though—being straight and honest is the *kindest* way to allow him downward.
        
        Michael
  2. Totally agreed with being upfront from showtime if at that place'southward no interest after trying to get to know someone. In my example, the guy chosen, texted, facetime; morning, apex, and some late nights for about 1-wk ane/2. Immediately ask me out after his BD wknd spent due west/son (?). Anyway, following his BD, he calls side by side morning time left msg. (excuse) for not calling later in solar day as promised, maxim we would talk subsequently. Later came, (8hrs) I txt to ask if he could talk. "not correct now, I will band you afterward". Never happened. Next solar day, no early morn telephone call or text. I waited, text to brand certain he's okay. "thx for asking" was response, nothing more. Nor did he call or txt afterward. I said, to myself, no worries. Tertiary twenty-four hours afterwards BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. later, "GM hru". I text subsequently, "good", is everything alright w/yous. Hr afterwards, "I'm ok, thx for request bs". I said plenty is enough. I felt I was wasting my time, or being strung along for a ride. No official calls. WTF
    I simply text: Glad you lot're okay. Just asking, are y'all still interested in mtg for the wknd. Could be wrong, merely I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went by.
    FYI: He told me he broke up w/his ex approx. 6-mo. prior to mtg me. I'm pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does not take nervus to let me downwards like shooting fish in a barrel, and or wants his block /eat information technology too.
    Thing about it I really liked this guy.
    1. Ugh, that'due south no fun at all. Another prime example of how being tactful-nevertheless-direct is the kindest affair we tin can exercise to those we interact with.
I've been up front and honest with men to the point where I've really wound up saying cheers only I'grand not interested to which I'k then attacked by being chosen really foul names. I'm almost too afraid to even endeavour chatting with men usually I'll say thanks for your interest but I'm just really not interested in going any further and so I'grand attacked verbally. Maybe 1 or 2 out of the men I've said no thanks to have been cool about it the others though "scary" doesn't come up close to their reactions. Alot is their thinking I'grand downwardly for annihilation which I'g non i just don't become why men go so angry for no reason. I'm just another adult female in a long line of women they've pursued so what gives?
As a women, we are often indirect well-nigh these things because of:
A) fears of male violence – most all women accept been verbally abused by women for rejecting them (being chosen a b**** or a westward****, etc.). All women have heard of instances of women being threatened, physically abused or even killed for rejecting men. Information technology's merely not worth the chance
B) socialization – perhaps because of A, women are socialized from a very young age to be dainty and non stone the gunkhole
I never show involvement in women (even though I may be very interested) because no woman has ever shown involvement in me. I've seen in several places that women usually initiate by giving hints to guys they similar. Since I never get any hints from women, I don't bother.
I'1000 not interested in dating at all, but I exercise enjoy talking and socializing. I never flirt, I don't reply to flirting, and I don't atomic number 82 women on. My problem is they go upset because I won't ask them out. But I don't feel like I need to give them a reason. No one is entitled to a engagement with anyone. Short of eliminating all social contact with women (a tempting option), how can I foreclose them from becoming upset with me?
1. I totally understand John. I like my ain space and oft tell men that I relish visitor and socializing, simply I don't wish for it to go any further. I find that being direct up front stops people from expecting it to lead somewhere. I also make it clear to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their ain feelings.
  1. Hi Niya,
    
    This is a great arroyo. Honest, directly, and boundaried. Well done.
    
    Michael
    1. How-do-you-do Michael,
      
      I recently just told the guy I've been dating for a few months that's I didn't experience the relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very nice and respectful. His response was very passive aggressive and feels that sending the message via text was a crime.
      1. Hi Elizabeth,
        
        I'm deplorable you're in that situation—it'due south never piece of cake ending a human relationship. Without knowing the details of the state of affairs, it'due south tough for me to comment in depth. I will say, though, that ending a relationship over text generally isn't advisable. My examples in this article pertain to situations where someone has expressed interest in dating, or possibly going out on a second engagement, non for times when you lot're already in a relationship and wanting to break up. And then my apologies if that was not clear. I'thousand a large proponent of telephone or in-person conversations for anything that is difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged.
        
        And then if yous haven't done then already, y'all might consider calling him up, validating the fact that breaking up over text wasn't the all-time idea (e.g. "I'm sad for sending that text—that's non a smashing way to share something like this…I wanted to be sure I worded information technology well, but I realize now that it would take been more appropriate to phone call," or any feels right to you) and so promise he is more than respectful during your conversation in return.
        
        Simply if he lashes out or goes passive-aggressive on you, you do non need to sit and accept that. It's entirely advisable to say what you need to say, and then kindly wrap things up: "I'thousand simply not feeling it. Give thanks you for the time nosotros had together and I wish yous the best."
        
        Again, my heart goes out to you—I sometimes experience it'due south harder existence the one to end a relationship than being on the receiving end. No fun at all.
        
        Michael
2. How-do-you-do John,
  
  That is a tricky situation, to exist certain. You lot absolutely have every correct to want to build friendships and not take them into the flirting or dating realm. As to how best to communicate that to these women, that would differ from example to case. If y'all'd like to provide a specific case, I'd be happy to propose some ways to approach it. In general, though, it volition exist important to call up that while there are ways to tactfully approach the situation to increase their chances of agreement or respecting your boundaries, they still may withal choose to have information technology personally or respond poorly. If they want you to ask them out and discover out you aren't interested, they're going to be disappointed. No way around that. Just we of course hope they're emotionally healthy enough to non take that out on yous.
  
  Michael
Hello Michael,
Give thanks y'all for your post. I broke upward with a man I dated a few months ago. He texts or emails me most every two months and the advice problem however hasn't resolved. When I finally called to advise we talk in person instead of texting and talking he agreed and then now he's and then cold. We broke information technology off because we agreed we were exclusive and then ane day the a dating app popped upwardly aNd apparently he was withal online. He felt horrible and I said I sympathize people brand mistakes merely I can't forget it. So when I saw him again he couldn't respond to what he wanted. I asked him once again if I was what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I just don't know what to do. His texts are cold and doesn't even bother to ask how I am doing etc. please advise on how I should respond. I don't similar being treated this fashion if I didn't exercise anything wrong merely beloved him.
A reminder to the women commenting, this article was written by a man. It's not merely women who are socialized to be nice, nosotros all are. And while women might fear physical abuse, but think how much men fear psychological corruption that ruins our reputation, our work, our lives, when we decline some women. I'd much rather go a punch in the confront. What I have establish works is that you must reject them in that location and so at the end of the date before they get a sniff. Alternatively, if y'all are unsure then you say "I really don't run into this going anywhere merely I'k open to a 2nd date." Doing it through text I would experience is more than for the person who doesn't accept rejection and keeps on texting. This then is testify that you lot have written it with respect if the rejected starts getting defamatory.
I've been in a LDR with a very dainty guy for 3 months. The more I've gotten to know nearly him the more I'1000 not sure this relationship is working for me. Everytime I want to voice that he says how uniform he feels nosotros are and happy he is about things. Information technology's evident that I'grand anxious and not so happy anymore. I've been feeling like is there something wrong with me that I'1000 not comfortable anymore ? He'south a expert guy just lacking things I feel I personally need. We haven't spent much fourth dimension in person yet. Is information technology dragging it out to wait on that opportunity or is waiting just to possibly break up worse ? Thankyou for this post !
1. Hi Anonymous,
  
  That's a tough one. I will say, in that location's aught wrong with you for not being interested in someone. That's why we date—to run across if a human relationship has staying power (and to see if we're willing to put in the piece of work required to make that relationship stay groovy, because I'm not aware of any relationship that just stays amazing without work 😉 ). If you feel the relationship could do good from spending more time in person, and you're willing to wait for that, swell! But if not, I would be careful to not let feelings of what y'all "should" or "shouldn't" do go far the way of what your heart tells yous.
  
  Michael
Thanks! I'one thousand also going to have to salvage that. The guy I wasn't interested in replied: " All good… Not going to waste my time and yours… You accept care and skilful luck…" he also mentioned I should have told him sooner, but tbh I was still on the fence.
1. Hullo Pamela,
  
  Nice piece of work. And I'1000 happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Thank you for sharing!
  1. Cheers for writing this article. I'g 52 and haven't dated in 35 years, then this is all new. I accept a big heart (probably why I'm a teacher) and am always worried most pain feelings. Especially when they have expressed feelings for me. I even let information technology go on going thinking I will get more attracted to them somehow. Just then it but gets harder to gracefully bow out.
    I googled how to give-and-take things, went not interested. Your communication stood out! This dating thing is brutal in my opinion.
    Thank yous again for your wisdom and clarity.
    1. Hi DeAun,
      
      Give thanks you for your annotate. And my hat's off to y'all for jumping back in; I'grand sure much has changed in 35 years, and no—dating is never easy!
      
      Michael
I'yard 43. A 61 man told me that he likes me. We meet last year when I took my lawnmower in to be worked on and brought it back to him to piece of work on it this year. Problem is I'm non physically attracted to him. Nosotros talked two weeks ago on Lord's day in person, which was great, then silence for two weeks. Today he calls me. He seemed to exist a practiced guy til the silent treatment. I don't know what to practise. I feel similar he was looking for a wife. Reason I'thousand saying that is because I told him I felt like "marriage is overrated", he'south been married 3 times- me twice. I'm not looking to get married again.
1. Hi Anna, I'm sad you've been on the receiving end of the "ghosting." Not a fun or easy spot to be in at all.
  
  Michael
  1. Michael,
    
    I met a guy (younger than me) a few years back, we went out, I had a skilful time and it turned in a 1 nighttime stand up (for me). We spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, but I really wasn't interested. Nevertheless, periodically he will see a post of mine on social media and he volition reach out, wanting to have sexual practice once more. He says, he "really enjoyed the sex activity, and would like to see me and that he is not interested in a human relationship". I have never taken him up on the offer, tho. Yet, he continues to text me periodically.
    
    This time tho, he has been texting me for nearly a month, consistently and even so just wants sex. I have told him that I am not interested in just that, I want a relationship, (not necessarily with him though), thinking that would get him to go away, information technology didn't. He continues to text, proficient forenoon, how are y'all, etc.. He's not a bad guy, I am merely non into him.
    
    How practise I tell him to finish contacting me without existence harsh about it?
    1. Hi Bearding,
      
      Showtime off, kudos to you for holding your ground and addressing your needs. As to how to respond, it obviously depends on the contempo chat, what your relationship looked like, etc. But in general, y'all might consider preparing a more concluding response for the next fourth dimension he reaches out. Then if he messages you lot again asking for sex activity, y'all might say, "No, cheers. Equally I've mentioned before, I'm non interested in a casual relationship. I enjoyed our time together *and* I ask that you please not bulletin me again. Thank you and I wish you all the all-time."
      
      Michael
Hi Michael – slap-up article, but surprising from my perspective. It'southward been the other way around for me (I'm a 47 year erstwhile woman). I've been dating online pretty actively the last couple of years. I've probably met a dozen or so men and have chatted with more of course. In some instances information technology was clear to me that I did not want to date the guy, and I allow them know immediately over text. They responded kindly and appreciatively to me every single time. But more situations involved conversations or dates that were lovely, but the guy did not stay engaged by continuing the conversation over text or setting upward another telephone call or date. My read on the situation has typically been that they are not interested enough to stay engaged, just want to go on my number in case something else doesn't work out. Afterward about one-2 weeks of sensing this, I transport a overnice message similar to what you propose higher up and cutting information technology off. Once more, they accept e'er responded kindly and wished me well. I really don't enjoy beingness in that gray area with men that I would consider dating once more. I wish they would but tell me they're not interested. Or should I perhaps keep these doors open up in case something does piece of work out? I don't get emotional about these situations, simply I admittedly don't like the idea of the guy wanting to go along me around "simply in case". Any communication?
1. Hullo Suzanne,
  
  Information technology sounds similar the situation you've described is what I speak to in the commodity – how difficult it is being the one interested in someone, but getting mixed signals in render. They don't keep the conversations flowing, they are always "decorated" when you inquire to do something, etc. In those instances, I found myself wishing the other person would just tell me they weren't interested rather than leave me guessing. Candor is kind!
  
  Michael
I'm a woman and go this from men all the time. It's then infuriating because I am quite direct, ever in a polite way, and all I want is to know where I stand with someone. Besides many times I have had endless text 'situationships' with men where they seem very engaged simply never actually ask you out to meet. You tin't write them off still but it's a dissatisfying state of affairs. So and so I ask them out (this is commonly at nearly the date #three mark) and it's a vague response that is often nonetheless unclear. Honestly, why can't anyone simply be upfront anymore. Particularly when nosotros're all communicating via letters these days anyway, how scary can information technology possibly be to just say 'look, I had a bang-up time, information technology was lovely to meet y'all, simply I simply didn't feel the chemical science i'd hoped for' or something?… Anything. Merely be upfront equally soon every bit possible. Life is too short to be stringing people along and sadly when yous are on the receiving end of this beliefs over and over again y'all go jaded and reluctant to become involved with anyone.